I received two notes yesterday and was struck by the paradox of their messages. The first was the monthly mailing from my son’s school. On the front page was a message from the headmaster which is usually a good read. The theme – Don’t Overdo It – applied to over-parenting. He wrote: “Over-parenting, in our immediate environment, can take many forms. For younger students, examples can include: 6 a.m. or 9 p.m. weekday ice skating practices for various town/select teams or even private power-skating lessons.” There were a few other examples listed, like intense tutoring sessions. When I read this, I breathed a sigh of relief. My husband and I grew up in the Midwest. The sports we played at a young age were through churches and country clubs. We didn’t grow up in an area where kids were playing travel sports in first grade, practicing daily on sport courts and ice rinks in their backyard, or working with private coaches on a weekly basis to improve their skills at warp speed. Some of the best athletes at my high school emerged at an older age. Some had never played a sport until middle school, and then became the star wrestler, runner and basketball player. But that was before the publication of books like Malcolm Gladwell’s Outliers and Amy Chua’s Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mom.
The second was an email from the Athletic Coordinator of an organization where my first-grade son and third-grade daughter play hockey. We chose this program for my children’s introductory year to the sport because it was part of an organization whose mission is to, “enable all young people, especially those who need us most, to reach their full potential as productive, caring responsible citizens.”
The coordinator’s email read, “Parents, We have made a few changes that will affect the next few weekends. 1st change is that all of next weekend Feb. 5, games have been canceled and instead of the games the coaches have chosen 2 All Star teams to showcase the players hard work and dedication to success thus far this season. The All Star game will take place this Sunday Feb. 5th at 3:15PM. The All-Star Rosters are attached and will be posted on the bulletin board in the rink.”
When I read this, it struck me as ironic that the headmaster of an all-boys private school would dissuade over-parenting with private coaches and intense practice schedules at a young age, while the local sports club would not only encourage it, but would penalize the kids who don’t have that opportunity by canceling their games last minute and denying them access to their ice time.
This irony represents the great sports debate that my husband and I are currently facing. Do we succumb to what is going on in the sports leagues around us to give our children every opportunity to excel at sports they enjoy at an early age? This means less time together as a family since we’d be traveling in different directions on the weekends and less vacations to foot the steep bills for private coaching and multiple sports leagues. It also means our kids could be exhausted at school due to 9:30 p.m. bedtimes and 5:30 a.m. risings.
Or do we draw the line and let them face the consequences of being less skilled than their teammates, having games canceled last minute, being called out by their coaches for not “working hard enough,” because they aren't on a second travel team, etc. I realize we could let them choose by taking them to the All-Star games this weekend and sharing with them the Athletic Coordinator’s message, but at ages 6 and 8, I don’t know that they can fully comprehend the true costs to our family or what the possible rewards would be. Could they end up with a hockey scholarship to college or a big bonus as an NHL player someday if they give all of themselves to the sport now? Could they end up with a serious injury from being checked in a high school game? Even I, the parent who should know better, can’t answer these questions.
Personally, I have appreciated the sports I played growing up for their life lessons such as how to work on a team, how to win, how to lose, how to strategize, how to be a leader, how to be a follower, and how to have fun while accomplishing a goal. Am I under-parenting by identifying such simple goals for my children? Will simple goals prevent my kids from being able to play sports in their elementary school years? I guess it depends whose point of view I consider.
Ginger, as an adult, I appreciate that I was mediocre at some things as a child. I played cello for 6 years and never advanced past the last row or two of music stands. I was a "good" diver and softball player - making varsity teams of both as a sophomore, but I was never outstanding. I had other areas where I was outstanding, but it was a good lesson that has served me well as I've navigated some of life and career's ups and downs to realize that sometimes you're not the best. I was still expected to attend practices, work my tail off, and give it my all and that work ethic and attitude resulted in good experiences where I learned to appreciate orchestral music, to play on a team, the joy of a hard fought game. But being mediocre also taught me that there are lots of people out there with lots of talents and to appreciate what those other people bring to the game without it being an affront to my own self-worth. Your children's talents will rise to the top and they will shine doing those things that bring them joy. My hope is that when my husband and I are facing the connundrum you and your husband are (we still have a few years), that we'll let our girls guide us. In the meantime, celebrate being middle of the pack!
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